Sexual consent is a muddy concept for many men (and women) brought up in patriarchal environments. Certain actions – and non-actions – of women are interpreted (completely erroneously), as consent by men. Where a woman is at a given time, her state of dress and the time of day are completely irrelevant to consent. Her previous conduct is also completely irrelevant. We look at simple ways to understand consent and also understand why marital rape is still such a problem in India.
Consent (specifically sexual consent) is described as the voluntary agreement by one to the proposal or the desires of another. The consent has to be voluntary (not forced or coerced) and informed (both parties should understand exactly what is being consented to). Those with certain mental disorders or below the age of legal consent are deemed by the law as automatically unable to give consent within the parameters of the law.
An example: you cannot take money from someone’s bag when they were drunk simply because they did not actually say ‘No’, this would be wrong, wouldn’t it? Sexual consent is the same. This campaign about consent illustrates one facet of consent very clearly. The inability to say ‘No’ is not to be construed as ‘Yes’. A female in an inebriated state may be unable to say either ‘Yes’ or ‘No’. Whatever the man may infer from her willingness to drink or her other behavior, in the absence of express consent; one always has to assume the lack thereof.
If you hold a gun to a person's head and ask him to give you his money – which he then proceeds to do with his own hands – that obviously, is not consent. Sexual consent as well; when it is a result of coercion or force, is not consent. Yes that image is coercion too because sexual manipulation could amount to coercion.
“You lent her money; so you should lend me money as well.” This is the concept that men have to understand, when they assume that a woman with what they may have assumed has “loose morals” not only should be willing but is assumed to be willing to have intercourse. A man has ZERO right to assume consent regardless of what a woman did with other men earlier. To be clear, this also applies to a woman who does sex work for a living.
If at any point, he or she decides to change their mind, the other has no right to proceed. No, she is not asking for it and yes she can change her mind. At any time. The inability to control one’s ardor is not; repeat not a defence.
Just because she gave you money before doesn’t mean that she will we able or willing to do so today or at a later date. The other day she was in the mood; today she is not. On that day she felt fine, today she has a headache. The other day she had time; today she is in a hurry. Whatever be her reason, she has the right to say No regardless of your willingness and consent on previous occasions.
According to the Indian law, sex between a married couple is assumed to be consensual. By virtue of her marriage to a man, a woman is assumed to have given her consent for intercourse for all time. This is horribly problematic; with the result that no woman who is forced to have sexual relations with her husband can seek legal recourse. As Indians we cannot condone the fact that marital rape is not recognized; not even if we recognize marriage as a sacrament. We have to work towards its recognition; we have to understand that it is criminal and tantamount to rape.
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