Parents love their kids so they can never be toxic to them, right? Wrong. Parents can love their kids very much and still be very toxic. They can impair the confidence and wellbeing of their kids and hamper their development into secure, autonomous beings. It may be a good idea to be an honest and mindful parent; to catch yourself when you may be indulging in these toxic parental behaviours:
It goes without saying that physical abuse is intolerable and inexcusable and very damaging to kids. Not only is it objectively awful, it is actually pointless – it doesn’t stop ‘bad behavior’. Plus it sends out the message that violence is OK. And parents who say that they are just punishing the child for bad behaviour are deluding themselves. Hitting a small defenceless person in anger is just a lack of control and a sign of poor emotional growth.
This is also toxic. This could take the form of yelling, threatening behaviour, name-calling, shifting blame and so on. Constantly criticising, accusing and blaming the child are also forms of emotional abuse. Not only is this traumatic for a child it can make a child secretive; hiding things from parents and others. Later in life, the child may replicate abusive behaviour with their own child; perpetuating the cycle of abuse.
Parents who dole out their approval conditionally are damaging to their kids – comparing one's child unfavourably to another kid who is smarter or prettier for instance. It is also to sends out the message to a child that he or she is lovable only if they behave a certain way, look a certain way or achieve certain things. Isolating a child – physically or socially, giving them the silent treatment and refusing to express approval or affection are also toxic behaviours.
Parents who make all the decisions for their child and control every aspect of their life are toxic. Age-appropriate responsibility and decision making are vital for a child’s development. This makes the child confident and independent. Refusing to give the child any money – I'm giving you all you need, so why do you need money kind of attitude – is also toxic. And yes, it is also toxic to restrict the choices and actions of the girl child under the pretext of her safety – in the end, it is just about control.
Parents who make it all about themselves are toxic to their kids. They emotionally blackmail kids, make them feel guilty just to get their own way – this is manipulative and toxic behaviour. Shaming kids for their feelings, inadequacies, hopes and desires is also toxic. And this isn't a healthy relationship to have – the kid grows up learning to be devious and manipulative rather than learning how to forge healthy, loving, equal relationships of their own.
Just because this is a child doesn’t mean that they aren't entitled to their own space, choices or a certain degree of privacy. Parents must of course know what their child is up to, and if there is any problem the child is experiencing. However, there should be boundaries even with the parent-child relationship. This is about trust and respect. This isn't a one-way street. Parents cannot expect implicit obedience if they are unwilling to consider their child’s point of view. They cannot expect respect if they show none for their child’s feelings and wishes. Recognising and stopping toxic behaviour as a parent is great for the child’s growth and wellbeing and also makes for a happier, more harmonious home atmosphere.
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