I thought I had grasped the rudiments of human relationships over my years spent on earth. However, the internet keeps surprising me with new terms and concepts; helping me develop (I hope) a deeper understanding of the complexity of the ties that bind us. I learned about ghosting and orbiting and now I have learned about something called narcissistic hoovering.
It goes like this – a self-absorbed narcissist breaks up with someone. After a while, that narcissist tries to ‘suck’ them back into the relationship simply because their own ego demands a massage; because they miss the attention and appreciation.
The allusion to a popular brand of vacuum cleaner has to do with the fact that the narcissist tries to ‘suck’ in the other person. However, that narcissist was and still is treating the other person like ‘dirt’.
A person with a narcissistic personality is only interested in what they can get out of a relationship. They don’t really have to the maturity or the magnanimity to give the emotional support and genuine affection necessary in a healthy relationship. So when they try to get someone back into a relationship, it is only because they miss the love, attention and intimacy – getting, not giving.
The one who is trying to hoover their significant other will use various tactics: it will be indirect contact, the expression of false concern, pretending to return call, contact by mistake, trying to trigger pity, being sentimental.
The narcissist will stop at nothing to get what they want; what will make them feel better. This includes gaslighting and making the other person feel as though they are at fault. The narcissist either denies the reality of the other person or makes them feel that their reality does not matter. They can trigger guilt through misrepresentation of facts and events in a way that favour their agenda.
They may say they miss the other person. But what is it that they miss? The real question to ask is this: was it an equal relationship or did it consist mainly of one-sided giving and nurturing? Is it just about someone’s ego not being able to accept that the other person is genuinely moving on?
The thing to remember is that one deserves to be happy and is worthy of that happiness. Toxic relationships can make one question this worthiness. If the relationship was toxic to begin with, there is just no need to be ‘hoovered’ back into it. Remember what a wise person once said: don’t believe the one who says they love you. Believe the one who shows you that they love you.
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