A doula is someone who provides support – both emotional and physical, gives information and advice. Usually, the word is used in the context of childbirth – a doula is a person who gives support to a woman before, while and after she gives birth. I suppose the concept is similar to that of the traditional ‘daima’ of old. Now the term doula is used in connection with end-of-life situations. I read this Time article about a death doula, which at first sounded depressing to me… and then, not so much.
The article tells the story of Liz Lightner and others who are described as Death Doulas. It speaks of how Liz eases the transition of a 79-year-old man with terminal lung cancer. The doula speaks to him about his happy memories, describing those scenes vividly. She describes each detail as though the man was experiencing it all himself. She even places his hand on his cat and tells him that the cat will be taken good care of when he is gone. She then opens a window as a symbol of farewell and the man dies the next day.
This is just one story among many; a rising trend seen particularly during COVID times. In the United States, there have been over 8.6 lakh people dying of COVID, because of which “the awareness of death was in all of our faces.” Suddenly there was an increase in the number of people – even in the young age bracket of 18 to 34 – making their wills, even living wills… planning for death in a sense. With so many older people being so isolated during the pandemic, the troubling fact of people passing away while apart from loved ones, without being able to say goodbye, became a stark reality.
I don’t mind admitting that reading the article brought a tear to my eye. Even as an atheist who has no faith in concepts such as the soul or an afterlife, I found this moving. I thought it beautifully compassionate that people chose to do the work of a death doula; a deeply depressing job by any yardstick.
At a time when people were unable to visit loved ones; having to say their ‘goodbyes’ via a video call, it would be so comforting to have someone nearby. The soothing voice of a compassionate soul speaking about happy memories can transport one’s thoughts away from impending death and other grimness. The simple human connection can be profoundly comforting and meaningful at a time like this. This could be a time for jotting down some last thoughts, sending final messages to the people who mean a lot… If I were dying alone somewhere, this would mean a great deal to me!
And why just when someone is alone – a compassionate caregiver may ease the whole process of loss even when the family is around. Speaking about one's life and their loves, the joys, the significant moments is important. Acknowledgement and acceptance of the fact that the end is near are also important. It is an act of relinquishing that many of us find very difficult – we try to prolong the life of a loved one even when that would mean the prolongation of suffering; not of any meaningful living. Something like this can help us come to terms with the knowledge that the end is nigh; that any prolongation is self-indulgence and a needless agony for the loved one.
Quite simply death is traumatic – for the person who knows they are dying as well as for the persons they leave behind. A death doula could actually be a way to honour the whole process – offering comfort to the person dying and helping the process of grieving for those who will mourn the death. I actually think that this is more meaningful than an elaborate funeral – which makes zero difference to the departed. Taking the time to reminisce about a life, recalling the joys and ruefully acknowledging the sorrows can be a significant stepping stone towards accepting the finality of death.
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